Kids Suck.

I don’t like children much. I never have. I didn’t even like myself much growing up, which is why I spent my childhood drunk. Children are a pet peeve of mine. Let's explore, shall we...

Let’s start with two common misconceptions about babies:

Common Misconception # 1: “All babies are beautiful." No, they are not. Most of them look like miniature versions of Uncle Fester or Pugs.








...I see no difference. Do you?

Common Misconception # 2: "All babies are unique." Again, no. I’ve got to be honest with you, they all look the same to me, like cattle or Asians. I don’t know how people can tell which is theirs. If I had a baby and lost it, and had to go claim it at the lost and found baby place, I don’t think I’d be able to ID it.


























...See?

The other thing about babies and very young toddlers is you don’t know what they are thinking. And that is scary. They could be plotting your death and you wouldn't even know it.

Sound funny? It's not, and I have a solid example to prove it!

I’ve been deathly afraid of toddlers ever since I saw Stephen King’s Pet Sematary. You know the little kid in it, Gage? Remember, he gets hit by the Mac Truck while flying his kite and dies and then the father decides to bury him in the Pet Sematary to bring him back to life. Except, you aren’t supposed to bury people there and he comes back evil. And then he slices Herman Munster’s ankle with a blade (ugh that part always grosses me out). Then he tells his father that he wants to “play” and tries to kill him. I swear to God, every time a kid says to me “I want to play with YOU,” I run in the opposite direction.

Just look at that face, pure evil. The kid I mean, not Herman Munster.

Another problem with kids is that they are terrible spellers and even worse artists. I'm serious. Van Gogh and Monet must be rolling over in their graves. Just look at some of this crap:

Nathan, 9. What the hell is this supposed to be? Is it a Hippo? Is it an Elephant? Whatever it is, it sucks!







Kathy, 6. Kathy, where the fuck have you been walking? And more imporantly, what kind of hallucinogenics are you on that make the leaves in your world bigger than the people?













Rachael, 7.

Last time I checked unicorns weren't real, dipshit.




Agatha, 7.

Agatha drew this for Unicef. Aren't rainbows and Unicef meant to represent the diversity in people, and loving and caring for all humankind? All I see are white faces in Agatha's drawing. Clearly Agatha is a racist bitch.



...That is supposed to be art? So, if I wipe my ass with a piece of construction paper and draw a smiling sun above it, will you hang it on your refrigerator? See my point?

You may be thinking, "but children are so innocent and pure." Like hell they are. Kids are mean. Ever see a kid when it doesn't get its way? The fucker turns into mini Mike Tyson, punching, kicking, biting. If this were a boxing match the bastard would have been disqualified in the first round.









The thing that pisses me off the most is kids in public places. I can't stand the people that bring their screaming monkey into the movie theater. But the worst is restaurants. Chuck E. Cheese was created for a reason, to keep your children away from me. I shouldn't have to suffer for your mistake. I can't have a cigarette in a restaurant but your kid can be there loudly banging his plate with his fork? That's communism.

Lastly, children should not be allowed on planes. Period. It's my understanding that terrorists are no longer allowed on planes, correct? Well, children are terrorists as far as I'm concerned. I am so looking forward to the day when airlines require children to be stowed in checked baggage or placed in cages along with the family Lab.
















(NOTE: The only kids that are the exception to the above are Ferret jr., and other fellow bloggers who are my friends and who may have kids, as I am sure they beat them with a cane regulary so they stay in line.)