Redneck Wedding.

I attended a redneck wedding this past weekend. I guess the groom sells weed to my friend so he got an invite and asked me if I wanted to go. I said ok. I mean, it’s a redneck wedding, wouldn’t you go?!

First of all these two people should not be getting married and procreating. The bride is 6 months pregnant and I heard she actually shot her husband in the foot once during a quarrel.


The ceremony was held outside in their yard. It was fucking freezing. I overdressed. I wore a simple, clean black dress. But, when the wedding party is dressed in Wranglers and Lycra, a black dress is overdoing it.

I also didn’t fit in because I am not a redneck and I have all of my teeth. Although, I do eat my ice cream with a fork…but, I don’t know if that’s redneck or just good sense. I mean, ice cream just tastes so much better eaten off a fork, I don’t know why, but it does. Trust me.

Anyway, the newlyweds danced their first dance as Mr. and Mrs. Bubba Mann, III to the theme song from the movie “Deliverance.”

By that time the pig was roasted and we ate. Normally when I am at a public event I eat very little, you know to impress guys, but since there was no one at this wedding I wanted to fuck, I went back for seconds and thirds.

All they had to drink was Coors Light. I asked somebody’s cousin’s-mother's-uncle what I was supposed to do with my empties, and they told me “Eh, jus’ toss ‘em on in thare.”

A couple of beers later, I really had to pee. But the toilet was occupied.


I decide to hold it.

Suddenly, everyone was drunk. People were jumping into the swimming pool.


The Bride was doing Keg-stands.


And drunken Cousin Earl was showing me his newest tattoo.

I was just praying they’d hurry up and cut the Ring-Ding and Twinkie cake so I could get the hell out of there.

At the end of it the new couple got into their “limo” and we saw them off.

They were heading off for their Honeymoon Cruise.