I’m So Smart, I’m Dumb...

I amaze myself at how stupid I am sometimes.

What makes this even better is that just the other night I was talking to Zanna and we were laughing at the stupid things we sometimes do. (I’m hoping she’ll share the ‘sneezing at her desk’ story.)

Cigarettes in the city are 8 bucks a pack. I had some free time today and decided to take a drive upstate and buy myself a carton since it’s cheaper.

So, I take my drive and buy my cigarettes. I’m in the parking lot getting ready to leave and decide I’m going to light one up for the drive home.

I realize I don’t have a lighter on me. I don’t have matches either. But, I have my car lighter.

I push my lighter in, wait a few seconds, and it pops out. Hmmm…

Well, you know how it’s usually a reddish/orange when it’s ready?








Mine wasn’t. Mine looked like this--









Must not be working, right?

I touched it with my index finger.

Ow. It works.

That was the shortest few seconds of my life, yet I can vividly remember everything. I can still hear the hissing sound of my skin as it is being singed by the lighter. I can still smell the burning flesh. I can still feel the skin sticking to the heating element.

I sat there for a minute, dumbfounded by what I had just done. Why didn't I just put the cigarette to the lighter to see if it worked instead of my finger? Because. I am an idiot. That's why.

But, luckily, my finger feels fine. I begin to drive away.

Fuck.

It really hurts now. And it’s getting worse.

Its 40 degrees out and windy and I’m driving with the air conditioning on and my mangled finger pressed up against the vent.

I’m cursing at myself the whole way home at how fucking retarded I am. I vow to never smoke again. I have been looking for a reason to quit, and I take this as a sign from God.

So, now I’m sitting here smoking a cigarette with my blistered finger stuck in a jar of Arnica.

Yeah, I know, I said I’d quit. But, the smoking helps the pain. I’ll quit tomorrow.

(Note: I’m hoping you guys will share something totally stupid you have done so that I can laugh about your misfortunes and forget about my own.)

(ASIDE: Luckily, I keep a cooler full of extra organs and extremities from when I used to steal people's kidneys for a living. I'd sometimes take extra 'parts' just so that I have them in case I am ever hard up for cash. Or for rare occasions like this.)