I'm Sick. Fuck!

I don’t do sick well. Being a true Leo, I hate getting sick and being out of ‘commission’ (hehe).

I hardly ever get sick and rarely go to the Doctor’s when I am. I grew up with parent’s who believed you could cure anything with vitamin E, honey and apple cider vinegar.

Like the time I got a rusty dart (and didn’t have a current tetanus shot) stuck in the top of my foot and my vein was gushing blood and I said “I really think I need to go to Hospital.” My parents replied “Oh, its nothing. Here, just put some vitamin E on it and it will be fine.”

They didn’t believe in Psychology either, they believed your ‘problems’ were all in your head…it’s amazing I turned out so well adjusted, really.

So I have been feeling really shitty all weekend and I was hoping it would go away, but it hasn’t. I finally coughed up a lung last night and decided, against my better judgement, to go to the Doctor.

“Ms. Beaverhausen, I believe you have walking pneumonia,” said the Doctor.

“As opposed to running pneumonia?” I asked.

“It’s not funny, its quite serious, it could turn into full-fledged pneumonia and you could end up in the Hospital,” he said.

“Oh, shit. That’s not good,” I said “Mind if I smoke? I’m just really stressed out right now.”

“There is no smoking in the Doctor’s office, Ms. Beaverhausen. And, considering your lungs are inflamed, I would highly suggest you quit.”

“Sure, I understand.” I began “Is it still ok to smoke weed?”

He didn’t seem amused. “Now, Ms. Beaverhausen, are you currently on any drugs?”

“Just the weed,” I replied.

“No, I mean medications,” he said very annoyed.

“Oh…yeah. Let’s see, Xanax, Prozac, Zoloft, a couple other mood elevators…”

“Let’s move on. Anyway, are you allergic to any drugs?”

I thought for a minute. “Well, I don’t think so. Although there was this one time, on ‘shrooms, I got really sick and puked for like four hours…”

“Again, Ms. Beaverhausen, prescribed medications.” He snapped.

“Oh. No. But, I really don’t like swallowing pills, gag reflex, you know? I’d prefer liquid. Oh, and flavored if you can. Bubblegum. Or strawberry.” I said.

“That’s not possible; you will have to settle for pills. Here you go,” he says and hands me a bunch of prescriptions. "Also, I would like for you to stay in the next few days and rest. Do you need a Doctor's note for class?"

"Yes, but actually, I have a test Friday so if you could date it for then..."

"I don't think so." He said

"Ok, well how about you just leave the dates blank and that way I can make copies and use them when I don't 'feel well,' know what I mean?" I said, winking at him.

"No, Ms. Beaverhasuen."

“Ok. Oh one more question, Doctor; can I still use heroin while on this medication?”

He shook his head and began to leave the exam room, “Goodbye, Ms. Beaverhausen.”

“Doctor?...Doctor?...,” I called out after him.

Well. That was very rude and unprofessional, I thought to myself.

So, now I am sitting here with my prescription Leavaquin, an inhaler, and a bag of Sweet Lady H and I don’t know what to do because my Doctor is a jerk.

I wonder if I can sue him for malpractice…