Now, I Am Thoroughly Pissed Off…

As if being shit on by a pigeon weren’t enough. One of my loft mates drank the last of my PG Tips tea.

A friend of mine introduced me to this tea a few years back when I was in the UK. Its English tea, and you can get it here, but it’s hard to find and like $30 a box for 250 bags. So, she sends me a box about each month because it’s a lot cheaper and guaranteed that I will have it. We trade, I send her jars of Welch’s grape jelly because she can’t get it in the UK and she sends me the tea.

It’s so fucking good. It’s made from only the tips of black tea leaves and it is in the revolutionary shape of a ‘pyramid’ so that the water just flows right thru and it tastes amazing. Shitty American companies are doing this now, but it’s just that, shit. PG Tips has been doing it for over 75 years and no one can come close to them.

Last year when I came home from England I brought back like 5 boxes of tea and a cooler full of YOP (which I can’t find here either).

I got searched by airport security who was trying to get me to admit that the tea bags were actually filled with marijuana. Seriously. Everyone knows the weed in England is complete shite, c’mon.

“Why don’t you save us some time and just admit its pot, otherwise, we will have to scan each of these tea bags. Why does one need so much ‘tea’, anyway?”

Because I fucking love it, dick! I told them to go ahead and ‘scan’ 1,250 bags of tea…assholes. And anyway, I just came back from England, duh, the tea capital of the world, what did you think I’d bring home? Tacos?

…Anyway…

I drink this shit like the black man smokes the crack-rock. I don’t even know how many cups a day. You don’t even want to know how much I love it…if I could fuck it, I would. I told you, you wouldn’t want to know.

I didn’t get to have my tea this morning because I over-slept and had to rush out of the house for an ‘ethics lecture’ (ethics and law, how is that for an oxymoron?) Four f-ing hours later, I’m on my way home with major wet panties just thinking about making myself a cuppa’. I open my cabinet….I see the box…I take it out of the cabinet…I open the box…and….its empty.

I threw the box on the ground, stomped on it repeatedly and then proceeded to get a butchers knife, and in ‘Reservoir Dogs’ ear-scene style, went around to all my roommates to find out who the culprit was.

No one came clean.

Everyone lost an ear.
Now, I am not a selfish person. I share and stuff. But they know how I feel about my tea. How would the fag I live with feel if I used the last of his Vaseline? How would the Arab feel if I used his prayer rug as my welcome mat? How would the virgin feel if I fucked her boyfriend because she isn’t putting out? Well, never mind on that last one…but you see what I am getting at. And, its just bad manners to use the last of someone’s ‘whatever’ and not replace it immediately.

So now I’m pissed and I’m jonesing. I called my friend in the UK and she is shipping me more ASAP, but fucking Royal Mail takes for God damn ever so I most likely won’t have it until next week. So, until then I am stuck drinking shitty Lipton tea, which is only bearable thanks to the two shots of Jameson I added.