A Christmas Gift.

Top 10 men not to date...

(Please take note: While you clearly want to avoid a serious relationship with any of the below it is, of course, totally acceptable to sleep with them.)


1. The College Freshman. In theory this sounds great. He's young and horny, always up for sex. And since it’s his first time away from home and he is lonely for affection, he even spoons you afterwards. But then comes morning, along with reality, and you begin to notice things. Things like the skidmarks in his Sponge Bob boxer shorts. And before you know it, you are in his dorm room on a Friday night with him and his friends making a gravity bong out of a bucket and a Mountain Dew bottle, snorting Pixie Stix, and downing shots of Jager and Red Bull (which, of course, you had to buy since he is underage).


2. The Crazy Guy. I don't like surprises. Or competition. I like to know that I'm the craziest one in the relationship. Check his medicine cabinet, if he is on more than one kind of mood elevator--steal his drugs and then chuck him.


3. The Waiter "Slash". Everyone in this fucking town is a Waiter/Actor/Model/Musician...Hey, I just took a shit on a piece of stretched canvas, does that make me an "Artist" now? Date guys with realistic aspirations. Aspiring to be promoted from jizz mopper to peep-booth operator, now that's realistic.

4. The Foreigner. Sure, he owns his own restaurant, wears real gold jewelry and cooks the best Prawn Curry and Poori you have ever tasted. But, once you find out he has 9 kids and 6 wives back home in Abba Dabba to support, suddenly, its not so romantic.


5. The "Hot" Guy. I don't mean a 'metrosexual.' Metrosexual's are not straight men--they are closet cases in transit to gayville. I mean a guy who is all around better looking than you are. This is never a good thing. You should always date someone at least slightly less attractive than yourself. Why, you ask? Because it guarantees that you are always the center of attention/jealousy and you always want to leave yourself with the option to upgrade while making sure the guy has no place to go but down. Plus, ugly guys try harder to please you in bed. That is a fact.

6. The Guy at the Gym. He's gay. Move on. Only gay men care that much about what their asses look like. No straight man would spend 30 minutes a day on the Stairmaster perfecting his glute’s. Straight men only care about what our asses look like. Seriously, he's gay. Move on, or take him shopping.


7. The Religious Guy. Especially the Christians. Just avoid these guys in general. Unless you really like anal sex. I say that because, of course, it doesn't really count as 'sex' unless there is vaginal penetration, so, technically its not a sin.


8. Poet Guy. Poetry is for gays. And women. No straight man should recite poetry. Ever. Guys were made to be tough. If some drunken asshole spills his drink on you in a club your man should instinctively turn around and punch the motherfucker in the throat. He should not politely ask the motherfucker to please be careful and then quote T.S. Eliot.



9. Overly-sensitive Guy. Yes, I know he could fall into the “Poet Guy” category, but then I wouldn't have 10 types of guys, I'd only have 9, and you can't have a 'Top 9 List,' it just doesn't make any sense....Anyway. While it’s nice to have a guy who is in touch with his feelings, there is a line to be drawn. For example, if you tell your guy you have the worst PMS cramps and he replies: "Oh, my God! Me too! I could just feel your pain! We are so in sync!" Dump him immediately. This is the same guy that will cry at chick flicks and make you kill the spider because it’s too scary for him. Coincidentally enough, these are often the same guys that turn out to be gay. Or Christian. Or both.



10. Kevin Federline. Do I really need to explain it?

(*Gag* I actually had to Google "Sexy Kevin Federline Pictures" —the above is all they came up with.)