Kids Suck.

I don’t like children much. I never have. I didn’t even like myself much growing up, which is why I spent my childhood drunk. Children are a pet peeve of mine. Let's explore, shall we...

Let’s start with two common misconceptions about babies:

Common Misconception # 1: “All babies are beautiful." No, they are not. Most of them look like miniature versions of Uncle Fester or Pugs.








...I see no difference. Do you?

Common Misconception # 2: "All babies are unique." Again, no. I’ve got to be honest with you, they all look the same to me, like cattle or Asians. I don’t know how people can tell which is theirs. If I had a baby and lost it, and had to go claim it at the lost and found baby place, I don’t think I’d be able to ID it.


























...See?

The other thing about babies and very young toddlers is you don’t know what they are thinking. And that is scary. They could be plotting your death and you wouldn't even know it.

Sound funny? It's not, and I have a solid example to prove it!

I’ve been deathly afraid of toddlers ever since I saw Stephen King’s Pet Sematary. You know the little kid in it, Gage? Remember, he gets hit by the Mac Truck while flying his kite and dies and then the father decides to bury him in the Pet Sematary to bring him back to life. Except, you aren’t supposed to bury people there and he comes back evil. And then he slices Herman Munster’s ankle with a blade (ugh that part always grosses me out). Then he tells his father that he wants to “play” and tries to kill him. I swear to God, every time a kid says to me “I want to play with YOU,” I run in the opposite direction.

Just look at that face, pure evil. The kid I mean, not Herman Munster.

Another problem with kids is that they are terrible spellers and even worse artists. I'm serious. Van Gogh and Monet must be rolling over in their graves. Just look at some of this crap:

Nathan, 9. What the hell is this supposed to be? Is it a Hippo? Is it an Elephant? Whatever it is, it sucks!







Kathy, 6. Kathy, where the fuck have you been walking? And more imporantly, what kind of hallucinogenics are you on that make the leaves in your world bigger than the people?













Rachael, 7.

Last time I checked unicorns weren't real, dipshit.




Agatha, 7.

Agatha drew this for Unicef. Aren't rainbows and Unicef meant to represent the diversity in people, and loving and caring for all humankind? All I see are white faces in Agatha's drawing. Clearly Agatha is a racist bitch.



...That is supposed to be art? So, if I wipe my ass with a piece of construction paper and draw a smiling sun above it, will you hang it on your refrigerator? See my point?

You may be thinking, "but children are so innocent and pure." Like hell they are. Kids are mean. Ever see a kid when it doesn't get its way? The fucker turns into mini Mike Tyson, punching, kicking, biting. If this were a boxing match the bastard would have been disqualified in the first round.









The thing that pisses me off the most is kids in public places. I can't stand the people that bring their screaming monkey into the movie theater. But the worst is restaurants. Chuck E. Cheese was created for a reason, to keep your children away from me. I shouldn't have to suffer for your mistake. I can't have a cigarette in a restaurant but your kid can be there loudly banging his plate with his fork? That's communism.

Lastly, children should not be allowed on planes. Period. It's my understanding that terrorists are no longer allowed on planes, correct? Well, children are terrorists as far as I'm concerned. I am so looking forward to the day when airlines require children to be stowed in checked baggage or placed in cages along with the family Lab.
















(NOTE: The only kids that are the exception to the above are Ferret jr., and other fellow bloggers who are my friends and who may have kids, as I am sure they beat them with a cane regulary so they stay in line.)

Public Urination is NOT a Victimless Crime...Unless You Have a Nice Penis.

I love New York. I really do. It's the city that never sleeps. It's one of the only places in the world you can get anything at anytime.

Why for example, just last night at 1 am, I couldn't sleep so I went out, got ice cream, did a load of laundry, got finger fucked by a tranny for a $20 and rented a movie from Blockbuster. Bet you can't do all that at 1 am in De Moines, Iowa now can you?

In a city of 8 million plus people, its a hectic place. Sometimes, you just have to tune shit out. Shit like: obnoxious cell phone users, annoying drunk Queens girls with bad 80s hair on the N train, the guy trying to sell you crack on the corner and even the bum who is jerking off on the platform next to you as you wait for the 6. During these times I find that an iPod or a book are good distractions. My point is, most things are easily ignored.

HOWEVER, there are two things that I will not tolerate where I have to live:

1. Amateur Asian photographers (See Ninja's blog for details).
2. Public Urination.

That's right. What the fuck is wrong with people? Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about the discreet public piss--against the side of a car, behind some trees. I've popped a squat many times in desperate situations.

No, I mean pissing right in plain sight. Cock out in full view. And yes, it is usually men. I guess because its easier for them then for us ladies. Plus, guys have that whole thing about liking to piss in places other than the bathroom.

I've kept a running list in my head of how many guys I have seen pissing in public, and its well into the double digits.

The disturbing thing is, its not the bums that are doing this. They at least have the courtesy and class to carry around their empty Thunderbird wine bottle to piss in. It's regular guys. Some drunk Frat boy outside of a bar, a construction worker in Mid-Town and even a Dad with his son in the park.

I've watched as these guys have gone from smoking a cigarette with their buddies, having a coffee break and watching their kid play on the jungle gym to just whipping their dicks out and pissing wherever it may land.

The last straw was this past August. I was walking home from Vesuvio's bakery. I had just turned the corner to my street when I stepped in a puddle. It was summer. It wasn't raining. I was wearing sandals...You get the picture.

I looked to my right, and there he was. Some 40s mullet wearing fucker, zipping up. It was bad enough that I had just stepped, pretty much bare foot, into his piss puddle but to top it off, I caught a glimpse of his cock. It was not attractive.

So, I would like to formally ask all the men who piss in front of me on the street to knock it off. Please, go someplace a little more private.

Unless you have a nice cock. In which case, please, continue.*

(* NOTE: If you are not sure which category you fall under, attractive/unattractive cock, please post a picture and I will be glad to help you out.)